Middle-earth and (more or less) modern media
by Landroval
Summary: Having discovered (modern) media, Middle-earth expresses itself quite enthusiastically. Some are more up to date than others, yet even the orcs and gollum learn to appreciate the possibility it gives them - after they've learned to read and write, of course. I would be very pleased if you comment on my story. Ideas how to continue are welcome as well. Have fun!
1. Violence is no solution

**An orc's diary**

_An anonymous orc writes his personal diary (not exactly _modern_media, I know, but – in relation to education – Mordor's still a bit backward..._

some day (dunno date)

lousy day. fkghrue stole my breakfast. had to eat him instead. didn't taste very well. later: rain. hate rain.

day after some day (still dunno date)

slightly better. could eat two other orcs for breakfast; recognized later one was my captain. damn. but: i'm captain now (ate the other possible candidates of my company). two problems now: have a belly ache. and no company (ate them all). dunno what to do.

day after day after some day (might be autumn, but am not sure)

found a human at our border. wanted to ate him, but made myself bring him to mordor (have no company, so i give orders to myself; quite annoying). just stole his rucksack. he had two books with him. one of them was named „101 tricks to get past orcs if you meet them by accident". hasn't worked so well for this human, i suppose. looked into it and couldn't stop laughing. trick 1 was: „because of their constant hunger, orcs are extremely corrupt. carry enough food with you, then they will let you pass." whoever has written this, has not the faintest idea of orcs. ate food of this stinky human (wasn't much, by the way – has he actually _read_ this book?) and wanted to eat him, too. made me end this idea by slamming my head against a tree. forgot to put down my helmet; it's a bit baggy now and i can't take it off now. was grumpy all day.

day after day after...oh, f*** it

tried to get pay rise from meself. didn't work. damn, i'm a stingy employer! was going to hit me, but missed and hit a tree instead. hand is hurting now. hate me. when i'm back in mordor, i'll ask for another superior.

**Éowyn's blog**

Hello everybody!

This is the blog of Éowyn, White Lady of Rohan, Witchkingslayer, heroine of the Ringwar and former fangirl of King Elessar I.

Apart from my awfully beautiful appearence and my extremely good wits, I am charming, too. My husband's governor of Ithilien, by the way; so be careful with your comments. On the occasion of our wedding anniversary, he bought me a new battleaxe today. I would have liked more to get my own catapult, but he said we aren't able to afford a renovation _again_. His look was quite severe, so I didn't stand out for it. I gave him a new sword-fighting trainer; a gentle hint that his fitness is slightly expandable. I'm not sure if he really got it, because he sent the guy to the stables to muck them out. Damn. It was difficult enough to get him her, though the order was quite easy. I just said to him: „Come with us and teach my husband some sword-fighting." Easy enough. I would have paid him well, of course. But he kept on maintaining he wasn't a sword-fighting teacher and always tried to knock me unconscious with his hammer and escape.

So _I_ had to knock _him_ unconscious. Quite annoying. I might have hit a few people around, too; but not very hard, honestly. Nearly every one of them was able to stand up again after five minutes. Okay, at least five of them. Or four. No less than three. One of them was a donkey, but in my estimation, it counts for two. After I'd knocked them down a second time (they just didn't stop complaining and I lost my patience after a while – besides, the donkey kept on neighing, although I'd told him he wasn't a horse), we returned home and I dragged the trainer into our bedroom to surprise Faramir. We hid behind the bed and when he entered the room, I leaped up, pulled up the trainer (who hadn't recovered conciousness by then) and called out „Suprise!" He was surprised, he really was.

It took five days until the new bed arrived and we could sleep again in our bedroom. After having cut the old one into pieces while trying to hit the trainer, Faramir agreed he might need a few sword-fighting lessons, but send him to the stables altogether.

A really uneventful day.


	2. Of gollums and kings

**Gollum's E-Mail account**

_Having discovered the Internet and E-Mails, Gollum gets quite enthusiastic..._

**From**: gollum

**To:** Precious

**Subject:** How are u?

Hi, preciousss,

just disscoverred tassty e-mail programme.

It's got nassty little smileys. Hates them.

gollum sitting at his keyboard

* * *

**From:** mailerdaemon

**To:** gollum

**Subject:** Mail returned to sender

E-Mail adress "Precious" does not exist. Mail has been returned to sender.

This e-mail is sent automatically. Do not answer to it.

* * *

**From:** gollum

**To:** Precious

**Subject:** Wants to kill them all!

Preciouss,

nassty daemon doesn't wantss to send thiss to you! Just googled their

adresssss and am now going to kills them all...

Be right back,

Gollum sneaking away from his keyboard to have fun

* * *

**From:** precious 

**To:** gollum 

**Subject: **

Hi Gollum,

finally it works! Thanks for your kind E-Mail! I'm really looking forward to our dinner tonight. But just to mention in passing: You forgot me at home, darling! I don't want to be left out of the fun all the time! And you're headed in the wrong direction, by the way, but never mind.

Please come back and let's eat a few fish,

your precious waiting longing for you

**Lord of the flop: King Elessar's play**

Aragorn discovers the teleshopping . The following scene has not been captured on film, but is bequeathed by the play „How Gondor was forced into bankroptcy and how its king exterminated a teleshopping afterwards". The writer is an eyewitness of the original happening and likes to remain anonymous (it's Pippin, son of Paladin, from the Shire – as could be exspected). The stage directions have been revised by King Elessar's official spokesman, Lima Anttongue.

**Act One, First (and last) scene**

_The seventh of King Elessar's private think-about-rooms. Elessar I. of house Telcontar, King of Elendil's realm etc. sits in his chair. He has a laptop standing on his table and looks at the screen, shocked._

**King Elessar I.**: _to himself_ WHAT? Looking slightly surprised

_typing a few words **in an awfully kingly way**_

_Two days later. In the king's bedchamber._

**Queen Arwen I.**: You did _what_?!

**King Elessar the I.**: Ehm...I ordered some things on this shopping homepage...a few swords, a few clothes..._looks __ashamed **proudly at her**_

**Queen Arwen I.**: I had to settle an invoice over 500.000 coins!

**King Elessar I.**: So what?

**Queen Arwen I.**: Gondor has no money left.

**King Elessar I.**: How is this possible? We had at least 6 million coins last month.

**Queen Arwen I.**: Before you bought the Porsche.

**King Elessar I.**: Oh.

**Queen Arwen I.**: And the villa with swimming pool and football pitch. And the cruise to the Maldive islands. And several other little things.

**King Elessar I.**: Got an idea. We don't pay them, we'll fight them off with the swords I ordered!

**Queen Arwen I:**: This would be quite difficult.

**King Elessar I.**: Why? Didn't they arrive yet?

**Queen Arwen I.**: Only twenty-five of them. The plastic ones.

**King Elessar I.**: What sort of way is _that _to behave?

**Queen Arwen I.**: Seems like they've had customers like you before.

**King Elessar I.**: What shall I do now?

**Queen Arwen I.**: Leaving the country would be an idea. Your people seems to be very unsatisfied. _Points out of the window_

**King Elessar I.**: They are _demonstrating_?

**Queen Arwen I.**: _nods meaningfully_

**King Elessar I.**: Rebellion, is it? I'm going to stop them! _Storms out of the room_

_**The next part has been censored by Lima Anttongue, by trade official spokesman of King Elessar I., from house Telcontar, also known as Strider, Dúnadan, Wingfoot, Longshanks, Envinyatar and Thorongil, by some even as the waster of money, for the reason that King Elessar I., from house Telcontar, also known as Strider, Dúnadan, Wingfoot, Longshanks, Envinyatar and Thorongil, by some even the waster of money is portrayed in this scene as a violent tyrant lacking self-control.**_

_**The play was never finished, but the ending isn't important at all, so never mind.**_


End file.
